Journal Entry: Fri Jan 4, 2013, 1:15 AM
First of all, thank you all for the kind and encouraging words. I really appreciate them and in spite of all they give me strenght to go on.
But what I said in my last journal wasn't the entire truth and now, my mom is angry to me because of that. Well, as she wishes, dammit!
The reason for all of this isn't just about drawing. It's true that she doesn't like to see her daughter drawing so much because "she doesn't have time to deal with school" but... I have to admit that it wasn't the main reason for this, umm, situation. I don't know if I even have to be sorry and honestly, it feels like I don't know anything at all anymore.
So, as I said, all this mess wasn't really about drawing this time, it's about my sexuality. It's difficult to even type that so you can't even imagine how hard it is to think about. But I hope that you all can can believe that it's really hard to think about anything at the moment, let alone try to draw something when it feels like your brains are blocked up. Because it is hard to realize that your own parents couldn't love you no matter what.
The day before yesterday we had a blow up fight about the subject and since that I've felt like I can't trust no-one at home (besides my wonderful little sister) or school. I mean, the one who tattled about my activity on the Internet to my mom was one of the few teachers I've considered nice. I know this isn't her fault but... ugh. Now it feels like this all spreads like a wildfire and the one and only guilty is me. My mom said that if I really am a lesbian, we have to move to another town because she couldn't deal with the shame I'm causing. Maybe she doesn't realize it but hearing that hurst so fucking much, even if I knew it all this time. I just didn't want to think about it and that's why all this is happening.
The problem is that I can't change who I am and, well, it's not so new kind of problem to me. Actually, the thought has been haunting me as long as I can remember. And by that, I mean something around third grade. In spite of all I was fool and began to believe my own hopes; that my parents would accept me as who I am, even though I knew it wouldn't ever happen. And this is why I am here. This is why it hurts so much now.
Call this rant or anything you can come up with. Frankly speaking, I don't even care anymore. I don't even know what to do, I'm just so fucking fed up with all of this. Right now I really don't know when I can upload something proper on deviantART again. It all depends on how the situation will develop and, unfortunately, I'm not a clairvoyant. At a time like this it would be awesome to be one tho.